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  #181  
Old 03-14-2012, 3:10 PM
Bemused Bemused is offline
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There were 2 queue's into heaven , one for hen pecked husbands and one for those who are not . The queue for the hen pecked husband was as long has the eye could see , the queue for those who were not had just the one .So somebody shouted over to him "how come you are standing over there" ?,

he shouted back my wife told me to

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Detective Del Spooner: Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner: Then why did you build a robot that could function without them?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner: What outcome?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner: Whose revolution?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: [Smiles] That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
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  #182  
Old 03-14-2012, 3:16 PM
Bemused Bemused is offline
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A Catholic priest and a nun were
taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf. The priest
stepped up to the first tee and took a
mighty swing. He missed the ball
entirely and said "****, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch
his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.
"****, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with
you if you keep swearing," the
nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better
and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual
comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says,
"Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing
like that."

On the next tee, Father John
swings and misses again. "****, I
missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a
gigantic bolt of lightning comes out
of the sky and strikes Sister Marie
dead in her tracks...


And from the sky comes the booming voice of God....... "****, I missed again.

__________________
Detective Del Spooner: Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner: Then why did you build a robot that could function without them?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner: What outcome?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner: Whose revolution?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: [Smiles] That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
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  #183  
Old 03-19-2012, 4:17 PM
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Two friends, one a Priest the other a Rabbi were talking.
The Priest asks," Rabbi, I know that you follow Kosher law, but I must ask, have you ever eaten pork?"
The Rabbi replied "I must admit that as a young man I did eat a ham sandwich. What about you, Father, I know you are celebate, but have you ever had sex?"
The Priest thought a minute and said " Why yes, before I entered the Priesthood, I did make love to a woman."
The Rabbi said "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it."
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  #184  
Old 03-26-2012, 12:13 PM
Bemused Bemused is offline
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Default Humorous Church Billboards

Good clean humor

Church Billboard Humor
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Detective Del Spooner: Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner: Then why did you build a robot that could function without them?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner: What outcome?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner: Whose revolution?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: [Smiles] That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
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  #185  
Old 03-27-2012, 1:33 PM
Bemused Bemused is offline
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"
He said,"Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"
He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
__________________
Detective Del Spooner: Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner: Then why did you build a robot that could function without them?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner: What outcome?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner: Whose revolution?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: [Smiles] That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
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  #186  
Old 03-27-2012, 1:36 PM
Bemused Bemused is offline
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Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when he got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'
__________________
Detective Del Spooner: Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner: Then why did you build a robot that could function without them?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner: What outcome?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner: Whose revolution?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: [Smiles] That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
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  #187  
Old 03-27-2012, 1:37 PM
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A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,
'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down..

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing,
'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.
__________________
Detective Del Spooner: Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner: Then why did you build a robot that could function without them?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner: What outcome?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner: Whose revolution?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram: [Smiles] That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
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  #188  
Old 03-30-2012, 12:41 PM
GeronL GeronL is offline
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For just the price of an Ipad or Iphone you too can feed a hungry child....
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  #189  
Old 04-01-2012, 8:44 AM
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An illegal alien, a Muslim and a communist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get for you, Mr. President".
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  #190  
Old 04-01-2012, 3:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dcannady View Post
An illegal alien, a Muslim and a communist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get for you, Mr. President".
Ouch!
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  #191  
Old 04-01-2012, 3:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dcannady
An illegal alien, a Muslim and a communist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get for you, Mr. President".
Did you mistakenly post this as "humor"?
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  #192  
Old 04-02-2012, 9:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GeronL View Post
...For just the price of an Ipad or Iphone you too can feed a hungry child....
Most folks don't realize that when a high tech manufacturing plant opens in a depressed third world area, the local economy booms ... and those slave wages initially paid out quickly increase to a relatively normal level, significantly improving the fate of the impoverished.

And as long as area g'ment stays our and unions don't get in, that formerly depressed area builds on the successes for decades.

Apple (under Jobs) has proved to be the driving force behind the uplifting and positive economic outcome for millions of Asian communities.

This is "feel good" twice = a boon to Apple's bottom line and a boon to millions of the formerly impoverished.
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  #193  
Old 04-02-2012, 11:04 AM
GeronL GeronL is offline
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Obviously the girl was probably on a field trip or came with a parent who worked there. I always joke about slave girls in Chinese factories though and I thought it was funny.

...

40 years ago South Korea looked like North Korea economically and now its one of the better economies on Earth. The stereotype about their kids working harder in school in true, they know the value of hard work-they see it everyday. Their parents remember, thats why they push so hard. Kids get out of school and go to cram school till past dark, tiger moms and all that. Peer pressure too, since 97% of kids graduate high school, they say they LIKE math- and are years ahead of American kids their own age.

In 20 more years (if nothing changes with N Korea and all that) their kids won't be pushed so hard, their society will be more lazy and more like ours I bet. If they absorb North Korea it will be hard on them but I think they would make it work, in 20-25 years I think it might be a debacle.
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  #194  
Old 04-30-2012, 4:16 PM
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"mama" in Korean means "Your Highness" or "Your Majesty"

I guess it kind of works that way here too. lol.
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  #195  
Old 04-30-2012, 5:45 PM
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ADOPT A TERRORIST

A Canadian female liberalist wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.


She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.



She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada


Dear Concerned Citizen,


Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.


Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short.


In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto Next Monday.


Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint! It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives as your house guest might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching. Good luck and God bless you.


Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor Minister of National Defense
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  #196  
Old 05-01-2012, 7:52 PM
GeronL GeronL is offline
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I was wondering if Korea could do country music but "All my jeon yeoja chingu live in Daegu" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
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  #197  
Old 05-02-2012, 9:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GeronL View Post
I was wondering if Korea could do country music but "All my jeon yeoja chingu live in Daegu" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
... Say it fast with a twang ...

(I understand that during and shortly after the "police action" in Korea in the 1950's, there was an english speaking country & western radio station in Seoul, mostly for our troops there ... But there were some C&W "gringo" songs recorded in Korean and played.)
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  #198  
Old 05-02-2012, 9:09 PM
GeronL GeronL is offline
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I was watching a Korean drama subtitles online and there was a song about a 'Grandfather Clock' that seems to have been an old English folk song. Clos enough?

Apparently Johnny Cash covered it too.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Grandfather's_Clock#Covers_and_inspirations
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  #199  
Old 05-06-2012, 7:34 AM
BoomerSue BoomerSue is offline
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HILARIOUS! May Day #OWS Monkey Cucumber Grape Experiment


http://dailyrushbo.com/hilarious-may...pe-experiment/
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  #200  
Old 05-06-2012, 1:37 PM
jtdc jtdc is offline
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HILARIOUS! May Day #OWS Monkey Cucumber Grape Experiment


http://dailyrushbo.com/hilarious-may...pe-experiment/
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